Why can't I ever be the one who feels weak and venerable? Why do I always have to show others that they will be ok while I am still here in the dark alone.
Is it because I am a male and it comes with the job? Is it because of how I used to enjoy the solitude that was my life? I wish for once I could show that I need encouragement every now and then myself .... but I can't I don't know how to take compliments or any caring words from anyone so I continue to feel alone .... no one seems to care if I have a bad day week month or year because I'm always the same regardless.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
cold grip
I dont know what it is and why it occurs when it does,
I feel like its the end and nothing can stop it this lingering ominous presence of doom
My life feels like it is on a thread soon it will be taken from me in such a ridiculous manner
I try and breathe but it feels like no air is getting in and I start to get dizzy and it doesn't stop
This feeling continues to haunt me it doesnt stop it never stops I want it to go away so badly
when will I finally be able to escape this it seems like no light is at the end only darkness
I try and speak to the only one who brings comfort but at times it feels like this cold grip has pulled me in so far
Nothing matters and i just want to sleep
I feel like its the end and nothing can stop it this lingering ominous presence of doom
My life feels like it is on a thread soon it will be taken from me in such a ridiculous manner
I try and breathe but it feels like no air is getting in and I start to get dizzy and it doesn't stop
This feeling continues to haunt me it doesnt stop it never stops I want it to go away so badly
when will I finally be able to escape this it seems like no light is at the end only darkness
I try and speak to the only one who brings comfort but at times it feels like this cold grip has pulled me in so far
Nothing matters and i just want to sleep
Friday, April 22, 2011
This night ....
So tonight,
I went to the ER it has become almost habitual because of my health issues ... its silly that Acid Reflux Disease has cause so much trouble for me. I get there around 8 something its cold in the ER not just temp wise but just a feeling that the hospital gives. I get seen by a nurse he seems to be in his 30s he checks my vitals and thanks me for my service and addresses me as "sir" its strange this man is older than me but i shrug it off because I dont feel I deserve the thanks.
He sends me back into the waiting room since I'm not Bleeding out or my heart hasn't busted from my chest ... I sit there for 2 hours I get a few texts from Christina and it helps take my mind off of things, she has that effect thankfully.
I'm finally called back and I lay down on a bed waiting for the doctor, the Sharp pain in my side and chest reminding me of why I'm there, why I'm staring at the ceiling and I'm cold.... The texts from Christina help ease my mind and finally the doctor comes in and asks why I'm there... I give him all the details and he nods his head assuring me that I am ok and will run some tests.
There is a man in the other bed in the same room as me with his wife ... he is humming to himself. they are an elderly couple and every now and then he ceases his solo to ask his wife "I get to go home now?" and she looks at him and says "soon dear....soon". He begins to hum some more and repeats the question and she looks at him brushes his cheek and answers "soon dear... soon"
They finally get to leave and I think to myself with age comes so much more... That man is a veteran and something has happened with his mind due to something genetic or something cause by war... its sad and makes me fear growing old ... but he has an understanding wife who has stood by him and he smiled every time she spoke... maybe he is really happy I'm not sure
Christina texts me again and I wish I weren't so messed up so she wouldn't have to worry ..there are better things to do with your time than worry about me I think ... but I also feel better and not so alone ..... the nurse comes in and takes 30cc of blood or so she tells me ... I don't mind it having to be done but I hate the feel of metal in my veins ... it makes me cringe even though it doesn't hurt. I look at the clock and feel sleepy but the pain in my throat keeps me awake.
A man comes for me to get x-rays done ...I find it fascinating how these machines work .. how they can look inside you and show everyone what is wrong or right .. I pray nothing is wrong ... the thought of a camera being shoved down my throat isn't pleasant nor is the thought of surgery...even worse the possibility of stomach cancer ... i shake those thoughts from my mind and head back to my assigned bed and stare at the ceiling ... I hate it here but I appreciate it
They bring me a GI cocktail basically a muscle relaxer for my digestive tract .. i hate these they make everything inside go numb and it taste horrible. The doctor comes back and tells me the results will be in soon... there is a man yelling by the entrance ... something about how he escaped St. Vincent's hospital and the mob gave him fungus ...something worthy enough for Facebook
Another man is led into the other bed he is very old as well and has an oxygen tank ... the same nurse tells him thank you for your service ... I learn this old War Vet is 87 years old ... served in WWII with the Navy, Korean War with the Army, and Vietnam with the Air Force ... hates Japanese people and Muslims and loves the bible .. he is a funny man though .. a soldier lingering from another time period much different than my own ... even if he is ignorant I respect him... This man served his country truly ...I cant even compare .... I begin to think of how WWII had its own conspiracy with President Roosevelt similar to that of the Iraq War with President Bush ... its silly because I cant believe it whole heartedly nor can I shake some doubt either.
He asks the nurse to bring his wife back because he cant read and doesn't want her to be alone ... he has internal bleeding and yet is more worried about if she is cold while she is sitting next to him ... I can't help but smile... it's nice to see that i must say ... He looks over at me and says I hope you're not leaving soon I just got here. I laugh and say well that's not up to me sir ... we have some small talk and its nice I always get a chance to talk to older veterans when I go to the VA. I am told I am fine and get to leave ... and all I care about is letting Christina know I'm ok
I went to the ER it has become almost habitual because of my health issues ... its silly that Acid Reflux Disease has cause so much trouble for me. I get there around 8 something its cold in the ER not just temp wise but just a feeling that the hospital gives. I get seen by a nurse he seems to be in his 30s he checks my vitals and thanks me for my service and addresses me as "sir" its strange this man is older than me but i shrug it off because I dont feel I deserve the thanks.
He sends me back into the waiting room since I'm not Bleeding out or my heart hasn't busted from my chest ... I sit there for 2 hours I get a few texts from Christina and it helps take my mind off of things, she has that effect thankfully.
I'm finally called back and I lay down on a bed waiting for the doctor, the Sharp pain in my side and chest reminding me of why I'm there, why I'm staring at the ceiling and I'm cold.... The texts from Christina help ease my mind and finally the doctor comes in and asks why I'm there... I give him all the details and he nods his head assuring me that I am ok and will run some tests.
There is a man in the other bed in the same room as me with his wife ... he is humming to himself. they are an elderly couple and every now and then he ceases his solo to ask his wife "I get to go home now?" and she looks at him and says "soon dear....soon". He begins to hum some more and repeats the question and she looks at him brushes his cheek and answers "soon dear... soon"
They finally get to leave and I think to myself with age comes so much more... That man is a veteran and something has happened with his mind due to something genetic or something cause by war... its sad and makes me fear growing old ... but he has an understanding wife who has stood by him and he smiled every time she spoke... maybe he is really happy I'm not sure
Christina texts me again and I wish I weren't so messed up so she wouldn't have to worry ..there are better things to do with your time than worry about me I think ... but I also feel better and not so alone ..... the nurse comes in and takes 30cc of blood or so she tells me ... I don't mind it having to be done but I hate the feel of metal in my veins ... it makes me cringe even though it doesn't hurt. I look at the clock and feel sleepy but the pain in my throat keeps me awake.
A man comes for me to get x-rays done ...I find it fascinating how these machines work .. how they can look inside you and show everyone what is wrong or right .. I pray nothing is wrong ... the thought of a camera being shoved down my throat isn't pleasant nor is the thought of surgery...even worse the possibility of stomach cancer ... i shake those thoughts from my mind and head back to my assigned bed and stare at the ceiling ... I hate it here but I appreciate it
They bring me a GI cocktail basically a muscle relaxer for my digestive tract .. i hate these they make everything inside go numb and it taste horrible. The doctor comes back and tells me the results will be in soon... there is a man yelling by the entrance ... something about how he escaped St. Vincent's hospital and the mob gave him fungus ...something worthy enough for Facebook
Another man is led into the other bed he is very old as well and has an oxygen tank ... the same nurse tells him thank you for your service ... I learn this old War Vet is 87 years old ... served in WWII with the Navy, Korean War with the Army, and Vietnam with the Air Force ... hates Japanese people and Muslims and loves the bible .. he is a funny man though .. a soldier lingering from another time period much different than my own ... even if he is ignorant I respect him... This man served his country truly ...I cant even compare .... I begin to think of how WWII had its own conspiracy with President Roosevelt similar to that of the Iraq War with President Bush ... its silly because I cant believe it whole heartedly nor can I shake some doubt either.
He asks the nurse to bring his wife back because he cant read and doesn't want her to be alone ... he has internal bleeding and yet is more worried about if she is cold while she is sitting next to him ... I can't help but smile... it's nice to see that i must say ... He looks over at me and says I hope you're not leaving soon I just got here. I laugh and say well that's not up to me sir ... we have some small talk and its nice I always get a chance to talk to older veterans when I go to the VA. I am told I am fine and get to leave ... and all I care about is letting Christina know I'm ok
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
today
I hate dreams I really do ..... they are either good and make you want what you cant have or they are bad and put thoughts into your head and cause an ill attitude and unrest
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Aha!
So I am sitting here on a special someone's floor.... it's nice but my whole leg is asleep due to me sitting "Indian style" oh well... So I figured I would use this blogger to just start something other than what the class I'm taking that had me create it for. She says she wants meat balls and soup and I say you want alot of things.... she gives a look I've grown used to .. it is a good day
Monday, March 28, 2011
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